Alain Delon, Le Samourai, 1967
Detail, television screen grab by the author

Jef Costello (Delon) is a man of few words.  He says more just by looking at the bird he keeps in a cage in his apartment.  His hands tell you more than most people say out loud.  His eyes do the acting, the way he studies that bird to know if someone's been there when he was out.

Not saying things, what can't be said, is interesting.  I had a lovely chat on Sunday with my dear friend Felix about just that, all the things one can't say in polite company or in print.  I mean the people we've known we can't name, the things we've done we can't tell you, the jobs we've had we don't talk about, and not just because of those confidentiality agreements or the terms of that court settlement.  Some of us, you see, are gentlemen.  Some of us have learned that if you can't say something nice, it's better to have a little private chat about it later with your best friend when you can process the pain of holding in how you really feel by saying what you were rehearsing in your head all weekend to say but can't, shouldn't, won't, because you value your dignity, your pride, career, relationship, reputation, mental health and/or physical well-being.

Yes, some of us know when to keep quiet and not spill the beans, when to smile and nod and not argue.  It's intuitive, I think, what we figure out can be said and not said, but it's also learned.  Some of us studied with professionals.  My mother could speak volumes without saying a word.  She could make grass stop growing with a look.  My father, on the other hand, simply didn't talk, which was also effective.  Not saying anything can inspire fear.  It can also be good for you.

Or bad for you.  Which is why you run it by a friend, to figure out the distinction.  The urge to say something and the effectiveness of saying it are two often quite different matters.  You can have fairly base motives in life for saying things (ego, par example).  There are also equally unattractive reasons for not speaking up (like, for instance, fear).   

Now as you might imagine, I'm not telling you everything.  The truth is it's not all that interesting.  Trust me, you don't want to know.  And if you really really do want to know, I promise I'll tell you later.